Friday, February 18, 2011

Pettitte Crimes and Miss Demeanors

So yesterday we unveiled The Pettitte List to a rousing chorus of soused crickets. At the exact same moment Joe Posnanski was turning out some 7000 words on the best players of his lifetime, which you'd think would be enough, but was actually merely the intro bit for his thoughts on Gary Sheffield and the HOF. It's like synchronicity or something, wherein "synchronicity" means nothing remotely like what it's been used for in any real world language game to date.

Now Joe, as everyone knows, is the most beloved man in all of sports-writing. Some attribute this to his passion, encyclopedic knowledge of virtually every American game, intellectual honesty and mastery of the writer's craft. I personally attribute it to voodoo, but then again I tend to attribute pretty much everything to voodoo given the slightest option. Joe Posnanski, voodoo priest. Works for me.

Anywho, as these things go, The Pettitte List post generated like, twelve comments over at BTF, which is a new record for one of my bits not directly related to physical violence or Dan Szymborski's sub-basements. As such, we shall continue to ride this tiger. Because, dude, it's spring and I'm thinking about baseball again.

The Pettitte List: Gary Sheffield

1. Q: Does Andy Pettitte Gary Sheffield deserve to be inducted into the MLB Hall of Fame? A: No.

2. Q: Would anyone other than mindless Yankee fanboys, paid Yankee media shills or Andy Pettitte's Gary Sheffield's immediate family honestly believe... A: Wait! How close to me is Gary Sheffield standing? Because if he's within say, oh, sixty feet and six inches of my skull and he's waggling that bat around like he did and he's glaring at me the way he glared at pitchers, I want to change my vote.

2a. Q: You can't change your vote. You already answered the first question. A: But Gary Sheffield could hurt me if I say no. I once saw him almost nutsack a defender on a damned short hop line drive to left field. He was the terror of every third base coach that ever lived. Even the ones that died before he started Little League!

2b. Q: You've made your bed, now lie in it. A: He was Doc Gooden's cousin, too. Don Sutton told me so. Like, every single at bat for all of 2002-2003. Sometimes twice per at bat.

2c. Q: Does Sheffield's attitude or inclusion in the Mitchell Report alter the likelihood of you voting for Gary Sheffield for the HOF? A: No. The only thing that matters is how close he is to me physically and whether or not he is doing that bat waggle thing. Bat waggle at my head = "Yes." No bat waggle = "No."

3. Q: If Andy Pettitte Gary Sheffield gets elected to the MLB Hall of Fame, what would be the general reaction? A: I suspect the entire state of Milwaukee might disappear into a cataclysmic sink hole, which admittedly would be another reason to vote for the man.

No comments: